The Enterprise Crew's Best Night Ever
by James T Awesome
Summary: When the crew goes on shore leave on a pleasure planet, 5 of them can't remember what happened and 1 is missing.  Can they find Scotty before being ordered to leave?  Based on the Hangover.  Rated M for pretty much everything possible.
1. Chapter 1

This fic was written after finally seeing the Hangover and my head just making odd connections (because it does that randomly) between characters. It's not entirely THE HANGOVER, just the basis for the plot is, and you'll see what I mean.

Thanks to Bones for the beta.

Warnings: Language, excessive drinking, maybe a little bit of dirty stuff to come…

Disclaimer: YEAHHHH do you really think I'd be writing fanfiction about them if I owned them? No, they'd be tied up in my closet for my enjoyment. And yet here I am…

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

* * *

Jim Kirk slammed his communicator against the reinforced steel counter of the bar, hearing the satisfying crack under his hand. He rubbed his eyes, propping his elbow on the counter, leaning forward to think. They had three hours to get back to the Enterprise from shore leave and there was still no sign of Scotty.

There hadn't been a sign of Scotty for three days.

They couldn't leave without their Chief Engineer, Jim knew that, so they had no option, but to find him. The thought that was really on his mind was that he really had no idea how they had lost the Scotsman to begin with.

* * *

Two Weeks Ago

* * *

"Take us out, Lieutenant." Captain Kirk said, smiling as he leaned back in his chair, relaxed and happy. Their final mission, for the time being, was finished and he'd just received word that his crew had permission for a shore leave on Risa. While they had only been away from home for six months, it had started to feel like years. He watched Admiral Chapman's face disappear from his view screen before turning his chair.

"Lieutenant Uhura," the Captain started, "open a ship-wide channel."

Her fingers raced across the panels in front of her as Nyota Uhura, who was grinning slightly to herself, opened the channel and turned back to Jim, nodding slightly. He leaned toward the microphone in his chair, speaking clearly to the entire ship.

"This is your Captain speaking; ladies and gentlemen, in honor of a great first six months, we've been granted shore leave on the planet Risa. We are en route as we speak and the trip there will take..." He trailed off looking up toward his navigator. "Ensign Chekov?"

The boy turned around in his chair to look back at the captain. "Six and a half days, sir."

"-Six point seven two four, to be precise."

Jim turned and looked at his first officer, and science officer, Spock, smirking at him, slightly. Spock, however, wasn't paying attention to him, which was no surprise. Instead, he was staring at his own station, fingers moving over screens as he checked readings, read over documents, and filed away reports in record time. Jim turned again, finishing his announcement.

"We will be there in one week, at the latest. You will all be informed when we get there. Kirk out."

* * *

After his shift, Jim retired to the mess hall, eager to begin planning the three days that the admirals had granted them. He grabbed a tray of food from the replicators and sat down heavily next to his best friend, partner in crime, and doctor, Leonard McCoy, or as Jim liked to called him, Bones (or any of the fore mentioned titles, as well as a number of others, most of which were questionable in nature and most likely names that a flagship captain should not be calling his chief medical officer.) Bones looked up from a PADD as Jim almost slammed the tray down in his face, trying to get his attention. He looked tired, worn out, and generally ready for these few days off.

"Bones! Whatda have planned for Risa?" Bones grumbled to himself, muttering something about rest, booze, and silence. "You gotta be kiddin' me! You know, it's called a pleasure planet for a reason..." More grumbling was heard as protest, resulting in an exasperated sigh from Jim. "I know exactly what you need: to get laid. Hard."

To a point, Bones agreed with Jim; it had been a while since he'd let some frustrations out, especially in bed. He really didn't want drunken antics with some cheap whore that most likely would result in a handful of diseases and even a bit of crying on his part, possibly even a panic attack if he wasn't careful. Being a doctor, he tended to gravitate toward the clean and decontaminated, much unlike Jim, who he'd seen eating off of the floor in a bathroom before.

"Jim, I know you think that getting laid is the answer to every problem-" Jim nodded enthusiastically, indeed he did believe in the power of a good release of frustration, and what better way to do it? "-but really all I need is some peace and quiet."

Jim frowned, almost pouting. He looked young when he did this, his face seeming to entirely compact into the point of his nose. It was a face Bones was used to; Jim used it way too often and it's charm had lost effect only a month into their five year cruise. Never the less, he also knew that if he didn't comply with Jim's wishes, Jim would keep his face like that for hours and then he'd end up following Bones around the ship for the rest of the day until he gave in. The kid was like a mosquito in his ear sometimes, that incessant buzzing until he either let the younger man suck the life out of him, or he finally snapped and sticks him with a hypo just to shut him up.

"Ya know what? Fine. We'll go to Risa, get hammered, and then let things happen their own way." There was a slight growl in his voice as he picked up the PADD again and started reading once more, attempting to ignore Jim's excitement

Jim, on the other hand, was like an excited puppy that was just let out of it's kennel. He was almost jumping out of his seat with excitement over the bars, nightclubs and casinos they were going to visit down on the planet. It wasn't until a second voice chimed in on Jim's rambling that Bones even looked up from his PADD.

"Sounds li' ye lads are plannin' a bit ay fun!" Montgomery Scott, or just Scotty, the ship's chief engineer said as he sat down at the table beside Bones, grinning at Jim brightly. Jim nodded back at him.

"Join us Scotty! I know you of all people would be able to get Bones to have some fun!" Scotty nodded at the sentiment, agreed whole heartedly.

Like his name, Scotty was a true Scotsman. The man knew how to throw a party that no one ever remembered the next morning, which, of course, made it the best of parties. The man could not only drink anyone he wanted under the table, but afterwards, he could strip down and still play his bagpipes perfectly. A true Scotsman, indeed.

"Ah'm sure ah could show th' good doctor a new way or four around a bottle a' scotch."

"It vould take four bottles just to veel zee scotch. Now wodka! Tha's a man's drink!" The young ensign Pavel Chekov sat down next, followed closely by the ship's pilot, Hikaru Sulu. The two were often attached at the hip, both being some of the youngest crew members on board. Hikaru was fairly protective of the younger boy, often warding off anyone that would start to swoon over Chekov's Russian accent and childish face. The term 'jailbait', though primitive, was really the only way to describe the boy. Chekov, on the other hand, seemed oblivious to everyone's obvious attraction to him, mostly believing that everyone was just excessively kind because he's so young.

By this time, Bones was shaking his head slightly, unable to concentrate any longer on the text in front of him.

"All right, all right, we'll go drinking on Risa; all of us. For one night. Then can I have my quiet reading time?" Jim looked from Bones to the rest of the table, eyebrows raised, waiting for a response. Slowly the other three men nodded and shrugged, all right with this compromise.

"All right, Bones, sounds good to me! When we get down there, we check into a hotel, and go get wasted. After that night, I won't bug you anymore until we get back on the ship." Jim grinned at the decision, happy that they would at least get one night with his officers and best friends, drinking and enjoying the paradise of Risa.

The only one of the group missing now was Spock, and Jim doubted that Spock would ever agree to a night of drinking.

* * *

Two days later

* * *

"Come on, Spock, it'll be fun!" Jim's voice was quickly approaching a whine as he stood just inside the doorway to Spock's quarters. Spock was sitting at his desk, typing away quickly on a PADD, looking through recent experiment briefings and results held by the science department.

"Jim, I fail to see the enjoyment in hindering one's own mental function through inebriation." He hadn't once looked up from the PADD since Jim had buzzed his room.

"That's the whole point! To let go and use the excuse of being drunk to do things you'd never do otherwise!" That made Spock look up, a single eyebrow twitching upward at Jim. Jim, however, just grinned back, hoping that somehow his argument was getting through to Spock. He really wanted to see the Vulcan loosen up. It was over six months since the Narada Incident, as Starfleet was now calling it, and it still seemed to Jim that if he happened to say something wrong or even attempt to touch Spock in any way, he'd find himself once more pummeled into a control panel or wall (or desk or chair) by the much stronger being.

"Come on, Spock. It'll be good for you. A few days of relaxation, letting loose with the guys. Hey, maybe you'll even meet someone nice and have a bit of fun." The eyebrow only twitched higher, making Jim finally sigh and slump down into the second chair in the room.

"Lighten up, will ya? I mean, if the rest of us need a break, you have to need one too, right?" Spock considered this for a moment before looking at Jim again, his face once again blank.

"I do believe that a short repose from my daily obligations could be agreeable. Perhaps only a single night will not cause much of a disruption in the necessary commitments on board. Besides," a slight change in Spock's gaze occurred then, "there must be a single individual of mental capability present to insure the safety of those vacuous enough to refuse to be complaisant." It took Jim a moment to absorb the statement as Spock only sat there, watching him, but as soon as he did, his eyes went wide and he looked at the other man sitting across from him.

"Spock! Did you just make a sarcastic joke?"

"It is quite possible, as I have been studying Terran humor." Jim paused for a moment, thinking.

"Maybe we shouldn't bring you with us; I think we already have a bad enough influence on you."


	2. Chapter 2

So I was in the process of entirely forgetting about this one, and LyradanaGreetsTheWind reminded me of it. I've had this part written for a while now, I was just waiting for my beta to read it, but she hasn't sent it back to me, so...yeah.

* * *

Five Days Later

* * *

"Easing her into space dock, captain." Sulu was grinning from ear to ear as he slowly maneuvered the ship to the dock. In fact, everyone on the bridge was grinning, with the exception of Spock, who didn't grin at all, but rather twitched his eyes in a satisfied motion. From his captain's chair, Jim seemed to be radiating sunshine with his smile.

"Keep her steady until we're docked, Sulu." He turned again to Nyota behind him, "Give me a ship-wide channel, Lieutenant Uhura." She nodded and opened the channel quickly, already knowing the announcement about to be made.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Enterprise, this is your captain speaking." Jim's grin could be heard in his voice as he made the declaration. "We are currently docking at Risa, prepare to begin transporting down to the planet. We have three days of shore leave, I expect everyone back here and accounted for by 1300 hours on Monday. Also remember, everyone. You're the crew of Starfleet's flagship, don't do anything to embarrass your ship. Have a great time though. Kirk out."

* * *

As soon as they reached the planet surface, five of the six men in the group relaxed instantly, shoulders drooping, heads lulling, it felt good to finally be out of their command positions, even if just for a few days. Spock was the only one of the group still standing straight, hands tucked behind his back, still looking as impeccable as if he were speaking to an admiral instead of standing in the lobby of an expensive hotel surrounded by large statues of different alien races having fun together and even larger fountains that seemed to explode from the floor and walls in precise patterns that, most likely through shields or tractor beams, never lost a single drop on the customers below.

Jim and Bones walked up to the expansive desk which was manned by no less than twenty humanoids, each one more attractive than the last. Jim leaned forward on the desk, grinning up at the first girl he saw, who immediately blushed a light shade of blue and moved over to him, stuttering through the check in procedures. Bones was merely there to make sure Jim didn't jump over the counter and ravish one of the girls right there, he'd already appointed himself the job of making sure Jim was in line whenever he could, mostly meaning that he was the one responsible for pulling Jim off of random strangers if he needed to. Jim, however, was making eyes at the girl already, and she was becoming more and more flustered and flirty by the second. Finally, she handed him the key chips for their suite and Jim turned and followed Bones back to the rest of the group.

* * *

The suite was massive. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms, living area, and a full bar, it had it all. Jim walked into the room first, taking a moment to slowly move into the living area, his eyes wide. An excited Chekov, followed by an equally excited but not quite as hyperactive Sulu, rushed into the room next, almost falling over one of the couches and plastering himself against the window in the room, with good reason. The view from the room was amazing. They could see miles of sandy beaches and bright blue water spread out in front of them. If it wasn't for the fact that they knew the beaches were out there, they would have thought the view to be a hologram.

Scotty and Bones followed the excited younger men, both staring around the room in the same disbelief that Jim had shown.

"Holy shite…" Scotty turned in a circle in the room, almost falling over the same couch that had threatened to trip Chekov earlier. His eyes bugged from his head as he saw the fully stocked bar, part of him believing that he'd died on the way down to the planet and gone to his own personal heaven.

Spock was the last to enter the room. Not looking quite so impressed, the Vulcan simply stopped at the pile of luggage they had beamed down earlier, took his own bag, and proceeded to enter the first bedroom he found, claiming it as his own. Finally stumbling out of his bewilderment, Jim jumped up on one of the couches, looking around at the group.

"Guys, hey, listen!" The four paused, looking up at him. "We're not here to take in the sights, we're here to relax and get entirely hammered. So change out of uniform, and we'll go downstairs."

* * *

The six officers appeared downstairs within the hour, each looking impeccably unlike starship officers and much more like the high rollers that populated the area. Jim had somehow, he was starting to believe that it was magic, gotten Spock into a suit as well instead of his uniform despite his protests of "Jim, this form of attire is illogical if the point of tonight is to get intoxicated." Jim had only shaken his head and forced him into the suit anyway. Now, the six men were in the lobby of the hotel, heading toward the bar.

The bar was huge and already partially full. They managed to attain a table near the bar surrounded by a large plush booth and Chekov and Scotty headed over to get drinks for the group.

"Six shots of good Russian wodka!" Chekov beamed at the order slightly, ready to see what this hotel really had in store.

"We're nae drinkin' tha' water…six shots ay scotch."

"Wodka is the best drink to start the night vis."

"Scotch is alwa' better." The argument had started again. This argument occurred at least once every shore leave between the Russian and the Scotsman, usually ending up with each having his preferred drink. They had never had to decide on drinks for an entire group, though. The rest of the group watched them with interest, curious how this would end. Finally, the bartender shook his head, sighing slightly, and poured six shots, mixing the two drinks together.

"Gentlemen, they call this a Russian bagpipe. Best of both worlds." He smiled at them, depositing the six shots on the counter, and turning away from them, not allowing any more arguing. The two men shrugged at each other, each grabbing three of the shots and bringing them back to the table. Jim immediately grabbed one of the shots, raising it up in the air.

"A toast! To the marvelous crew of the Enterprise and a great first six months. And to you guys, the best officers Starfleet could ever ask for and the best friends a guy could ever need." He grinned at the group, each of them smiling back at him, except Spock of course. Only Jim could see the almost invisible upturning of the corners of Spock's mouth and the faint glimmer in his eye, his own type of smile. A chorus of "Here! Here!" and "Cheers!" sounded from the table and the six downed the drinks.

* * *

Bones groaned and rolled over as a beam of sunlight slipped over his face. Slowly, heavily, he made his way to a sitting position, his head pounding. He felt absolutely horrible, having, what he concluded to be, the worst hangover in history. Fuck, what had he had to drink last night…? He sat there for a moment, staring into space and just thinking, trying to remember when he'd stopped remembering. Finally, he decided that it was somewhere between the 8th and the 15th shot of some odd blue alcohol, that Jim had practically had to force down his throat at first, that his memory lapsed. After that, it was a blank. He blinked his eyes a few times, finally looking at his surroundings, frowning. He'd fallen asleep under the pillow cushions from one of the couches behind the bar in their hotel room. Fuck, it really had been an interesting night if he hadn't even made it to bed.

He heard a quiet groan from across the room and slowly made it to a standing position. Sulu was slowly sitting up as well and, from the looks of how slowly he was sitting up, was about as hung over as Bones. The Asian man was only half dressed and his pants were open, but still somehow on his hips. He was tangled in what looked to be a very pink, very flowery, and very large dress. He looked around, confused, and Bones noticed the state of the room.

The room was an absolute mess. He wasn't even sure how they'd done some of the damage that had occurred in the room. One of the couches was flipped and one end of the same couch was suspended from the light fixture in the ceiling by an unknown strip of fabric. The other couch was still upright, but had been dragged across the room to block off the open door to one of the bedrooms. Odd stacks of bottles and cans and glasses from the drinks were piled around the room, mostly surrounding a single large stack that was set up on the table, winding toward the ceiling in an intricate pattern that only Spock could have made in the inebriated states they had all been in, not to mention that the entire pile was made of various bottles from chocolate liquors and milks as well as glasses that Bones assumed the drinks were served in. The only actual thought that was crossing Bones' mind, however, was "how the hell are we all still alive?" considering not only the amount of damage to the room but the number of bottles. If his thoughts were right, they should all be dead from alcohol poisoning from less than half of said bottles.

Another sound, this time from near him, broke Bones' concentration on the mess. Chekov slowly made his way into the room, rubbing his eyes and still surrounded by a large blanket.

"Vhat happened…?" The small boy looked to be about twelve in his state, he'd even managed to somehow get into pajamas during the night, though he didn't remember how or when. Bones shook his head at the boy, moving around the bar slowly.

"No clue, you got any memories of last night?" He looked from Chekov to Sulu, both shaking their heads.

"Last thing I remember is that bottle of blue stuff that Jim got…where'd he get that anyway?" Sulu was slowly making his way to his feet as well by this point. He'd gotten to his knees so far, and was staring indecisively at the dress around him before shaking his head and deciding not to question it.

"Hell if I know…probably somewhere illegal, knowing him. Where's he and the hobgoblin, anyway?" Almost as if on cue, there was a loud crash and fumbling and yelling of "Holy shit…fuck…" from the bedroom that was blocked by the couch. Bones marched over to the couch, climbing over it to look into the room, which seemed to be an even worse idea than the drinking the night before, mainly because of the resulting image that became burned into his mind.

Jim was sitting on the floor beside the bed, obviously after falling out of the bed and bringing half of the blankets with him. He was quite obviously also not wearing any clothes. He'd knocked over a hololamp in his attempt to move when he'd awoken. Spock, on the other hand, was calmly sitting straight up in the bed, also quite obviously not wearing clothes. His eyebrows were raised as he watched Jim move from the floor and, if Bones didn't know him better, he looked almost bored.

"What the hell happened?" Jim's face was a mixture of emotions ranging from confusion to anger. Something wasn't adding up correctly in his mind.

"I…can't remember."

"Nor can I, Jim. However, our close proximity upon waking does suggest that something did indeed happen." Now it was Bones' turn for an eyebrow to shoot upwards.

"Close proximity? Just how close, Spock?" The Vulcan opened his mouth to speak, but Jim replied first.

"Nothing…nothing at all like what you're thinking, Bones."

"I believe that that would be a lie, Jim…though I can not be entirely certain of what is running through the doctor's head." Jim sighed slightly to himself, getting up off of the floor, if any of the onlookers standing on the couch that was intruding on the doorway had any doubts of Jim's nudity, those doubts were now cleared.

"How close exactly…?" Bones wasn't sure if he actually wanted to know, but he felt obliged as Jim's best friend to know exactly what had happened, or at least attempt to discover the truth. He could see that Jim was attempting to come up with some sort of explanation, but Spock beat him to it this time.

"We were…I believe the Terran word for the position is…spooning." Bones heard Chekov and Sulu behind him trying to stifle laughter.

Bones blinked at them for a moment, trying to imagine the situation, which only made the pounding in his head worse, before shaking the thoughts from his head. "Alright, get up, get dressed. We'll all go to the shipyard and beam up to the Enterprise, I got some stuff to get rid of these headaches, maybe that'll help us remember." They all quietly agreed and he looked around at the two beside him on the couch. "Wait…where's Scotty?"


End file.
